As fun as being single is, it can also be pretty monotonous. Considering I was pretty much in a relationship for the last year and half up until a few months ago I found myself kind of lost. I know it’s sad but it’s true, too. I’m still working to figure out who I am but I at least know I don’t need a boy to be happy.
There is most definitely an exception, though. And that would be kissing. It’s hard to believe I’d never kissed someone up until less than a year and a half ago. Now, I feel somewhat deprived of such a thrill and even obsessive in a way. So… it’s time to find a solution. I’ll make sure to mention when I find one, too.
After my last train wreck of a relationship, and the even worse previous one, I have decided to take a break from it all. I am taking a temporary ban on such relationships since they seem to lead to high expectations and heart break. But girls still want to have fun, right? So I am most definitely not swearing off boys completely. So… this leads me to my current situation: “the boy”. I’ve been talking to someone lately. He is nice and all and it wouldn’t matter to me that he is about a year younger if he wasn’t so… naïve. It doesn’t help that he still hasn’t gotten his license and uses sophomoric words and phrases like “lit” and “you do you” on a daily basis. The last two times we hung out we watched Finding Dory on a bean bag chair and played Monopoly. I love a good Disney movie as much as anyone else but holding hands with a boy while watching one just feels like 6th grade to me. It’s cute up to a point but at this point I’m bored. Don’t think I’m a horrible person because I actually have expressed my current anti-relationship feelings to “the boy” so I wouldn’t say I have been leading him on. But even so I feel the need to cut this off. We are so close to the friend zone I might as well establish it. Because as much fun as holding hands is, I could honestly just do that with my best friends. So goodbye boy. This girl doesn’t really want a bean bag chair and Monopoly. Feel free to call me when you grow up though. But for now I am living life 17 and single.
I volunteered to help carry Christmas tress for my community last December. I was the only girl that showed up and it was mainly my school’s football team since their coach made them participate. Their coach didn’t think I could carry a tree on my own and “helped” me. He may have been trying to be nice but I volunteered for this! I know I can carry the tree by myself! If I had needed help I would’ve asked! Then an older guy there soon tossed me a pair of gloves, expressing that I “wouldn’t want to break a nail”. Really!? I obviously threw the gloves to the side in annoyance. Sexist much? I ended up carrying trees just fine by the way. Nor did I break a nail.
Gender stereotypes are all around us. Girls should be skinny and shouldn’t eat a lot. Boys shouldn’t be into fashion. Girls can’t play sports like the boys can. Girls should be into cooking and cleaning. Boys should grow up to be the moneymakers while the girls stay home to raise the children. It is the 21st century and yet people still make these assumptions! Being a girl does not automatically mean that I am weak or dramatic or emotional. I’m sick of hearing that. Yes, I cry sometimes but that’s because I am human, NOT because I am a girl. Guys cry, too, and any guy that says otherwise is just lying. People need to stop judging others by their gender. It is insulting. We need to be the generation that throws away these gender stereotypes and embraces a new era. One where we aren’t judged by sex but by what we can do! We can be the generation to make the difference!
High school is the pathway to the real world. But there is so much more to it than just that. It’s full of dating, friendships, parties, work, excruciating classes and more drama than one person could ever handle alone. There is the strain to fit in and the opposition to peer pressure. How could someone not stress out? So here I am to display my personal struggle to the world. I may sound dramatic or exaggerated but I don’t care because it’s my life, my story, and I will tell it however I want.
There are numerous “social levels” of high school. Everyone is subconsciously labeled and sorted. You probably do it to others without even knowing it. Nerd. Jock. Jerk. Slut. Gay. Dumb. Smart. Ugly. Nice. Athletic. Tall. Pretty. Weird. And the list goes on. Everyone labels and categorizes, whether knowingly or unknowingly. And these categories define you and your social standing in high school. Everything can be simplified into three categories: those who don’t fit in, those who do fit in and those who fall in between. Most people have their main group of friends, but does that really mean they fit in? What does fitting in even mean? In my opinion, fitting in means you are liked by the majority, invited to things and are decently happy with your school life. Not fitting in would then mean the opposite: not being well-liked, often being left out or ostracized and being overall unhappy. Then there is the majority, who fall somewhere in the middle. They are neither popular nor unpopular. They are somewhat invited and somewhat left out. Usually they are only popular in a particular group, like band or drama. I suppose that would be where I fall in this high school hierarchy. What about you?
I used to roll my eyes at couples in the hallway. I used to see love as more of a myth than a reality. I used to think that heartbreak couldn’t be nearly as bad as people made it out to be. I used to think they were just overreacting. I used to see so much differently. Now? Now I know I was wrong. Now I know how much love can affect a person. And if you don’t believe me, then you’ve never been in love.
He had been in my class all year, yet I had never really noticed him. I had talked to him a few times but never thought anything of it. But then he asked me out. I was surprised and flattered. He wasn’t the first guy that I dated, but he was definitely the first one I loved. I had never expected to fall in love with him and even when I did I tried to deny it. I worried that I would just end up heartbroken. It wasn’t until we broke up that I finally accepted my feelings. It just made it that much harder since he did not seem to love me back. He may have never even felt that way about me. I cried for days and spent the holidays depressed. I thought I’d never get over feeling sad and alone. He was my boyfriend, my best friend, my first love, the one person I felt I could be myself around. He was the person I could talk about anything with, the person I trusted, the boy I thought I may be with for life. Anyone who has ever been in love knows how I felt. I had never expected him to break things off. Then he started to turn cold towards me. He would not tell me why. He wouldn’t even look at me, let alone talk to me. He was the one who had always been adamant about staying friends if we ever broke up and yet he was the one to turn cold.
It’s been over two months and I still don’t know what happened, but I’m doing better. I had a rough night a couple weeks ago. I hadn’t eaten that day and cried all evening after school. It made me physically sick. I woke up twice that night to throw up. Since then I’ve made myself eat and I’ve stopped crying. I’ve started spending more time with my friends and family to keep my mind off of it.
Seeing him at school is hard. He still won’t even look at me. But I’m getting through it. And I am stronger because of it.