If only you knew…

I am not okay.

I struggle every day

But that, you cannot see

A constant, agonizing discomfort

That I am forced to fight through

Day by day
If only you knew

My quotidian endeavors

The ones unknown

Without reason or cause

That I am forced to endure.

Maybe then you would

See me differently
I am not okay

But that 

you do not know

Prom Perplexity

Junior and senior year of high school includes so many obstacles. Some of them are fun but other not so much. Prom can go either way. It can be one of the best nights of your life or one of the worst. Or you could just not go at all. 

Unlike Homecoming, Prom seems to be more of a couples thing. And even so, Homecoming has seemed to be more fun when I had a date. So with Prom around the corner I find myself wondering what I should do. I don’t have a date or even a group of friends who are going (or at least not ones who have invited me to join them). Yet I also don’t want to miss out on something that you only get to experience probably twice in your life. I want to wear a beautiful dress, have my hair and make up done, dance, and have a great time. But is that an option for me?

Of course! I am going to go to Prom whether I end up getting a date, find a group of friends to go with, or wing it by myself. So to anyone who feels left out or alone or like they can’t fit in just remember you are NOT alone, you are NOT left out, and who cares if you fit in! Life is however you make it so do what you want. Say screw you to conformity and just be yourself.

Kissing Complex

As fun as being single is, it can also be pretty monotonous. Considering I was pretty much in a relationship for the last year and half up until a few months ago I found myself kind of lost. I know it’s sad but it’s true, too. I’m still working to figure out who I am but I at least know I don’t need a boy to be happy. 

There is most definitely an exception, though. And that would be kissing. It’s hard to believe I’d never kissed someone up until less than a year and a half ago. Now, I feel somewhat deprived of such a thrill and even obsessive in a way. So… it’s time to find a solution. I’ll make sure to mention when I find one, too. 

Monopoly and a Bean Bag Chair

After my last train wreck of a relationship, and the even worse previous one, I have decided to take a break from it all. I am taking a temporary ban on such relationships since they seem to lead to high expectations and heart break. But girls still want to have fun, right? So I am most definitely not swearing off boys completely. So… this leads me to my current situation: “the boy”. I’ve been talking to someone lately. He is nice and all and it wouldn’t matter to me that he is about a year younger if he wasn’t so… naïve. It doesn’t help that he still hasn’t gotten his license and uses sophomoric words and phrases like “lit” and “you do you” on a daily basis. The last two times we hung out we watched Finding Dory on a bean bag chair and played Monopoly. I love a good Disney movie as much as anyone else but holding hands with a boy while watching one just feels like 6th grade to me. It’s cute up to a point but at this point I’m bored. Don’t think I’m a horrible person because I actually have expressed my current anti-relationship feelings to “the boy” so I wouldn’t say I have been leading him on. But even so I feel the need to cut this off. We are so close to the friend zone I might as well establish it. Because as much fun as holding hands is, I could honestly just do that with my best friends. So goodbye boy. This girl doesn’t really want a bean bag chair and Monopoly. Feel free to call me when you grow up though. But for now I am living life 17 and single.

The High School Hierarchy

There are numerous “social levels” of high school. Everyone is subconsciously labeled and sorted. You probably do it to others without even knowing it. Nerd. Jock. Jerk. Slut. Gay. Dumb. Smart. Ugly. Nice. Athletic. Tall. Pretty. Weird. And the list goes on. Everyone labels and categorizes, whether knowingly or unknowingly. And these categories define you and your social standing in high school. Everything can be simplified into three categories: those who don’t fit in, those who do fit in and those who fall in between. Most people have their main group of friends, but does that really mean they fit in? What does fitting in even mean? In my opinion, fitting in means you are liked by the majority, invited to things and are decently happy with your school life. Not fitting in would then mean the opposite: not being well-liked, often being left out or ostracized and being overall unhappy. Then there is the majority, who fall somewhere in the middle. They are neither popular nor unpopular. They are somewhat invited and somewhat left out. Usually they are only popular in a particular group, like band or drama. I suppose that would be where I fall in this high school hierarchy. What about you?